Friday, January 8, 2010

If I close my eyes wil it just go away?

If I close my eyes will it all just go away? It seems like every time I open my eyes it's always something... Some crazy disaster, tragidy, something falling apart, something breaking, there is always something...

My ex passed away 2 days ago. And yes I know it has been done and over with and I havent looked back since for years but hearing of his passing has gotten the best of me. All the old memories came flooding in. So many fun times. I spent so much of my early teenage years with him. It seemed like every where I turned something was reminding me of him, a drink he used to drink (peach ole'), a song that reminded me of him (Dilemma and Cryin' for me), an old saying, a movie, local spots around town we used to go to. Everywhere I look, there he is. I try so hard to block them out. I haven't looked back before this. Why now? I couldn't have changed what he had become. We broke up for a reason and that is the exact reason he isn't here anymore. Could I have helped him if I would have stuck around? No. This was all him. No one could change Vou. No one but him. He was better than this. When he wasn't on the shit he was such an amazing friend, a good boyfriend, a fun and amazing person. Everyone loved him. It was hard not to. But towards the end I didn't see that side of him. That is why I walked away. I just keep reminding myself there was nothing I could've done. He chose this life and I moved on and I have a wonderful and amazing husband. Someone who would never hurt me the way he did. I have a man who would change for me if needs be.
We all saw this coming, just hoped that it never really would happen. That he would straighten up his life and be the man we all knew he was capable of being. I am so heartbroken and so upset with him that I just don't stop freakin thinking about it! Why did he do this to himself?! Why did he let it go this far?! Why didn't he just pull his head out of his freakin ass!!! Seriously!! I loved him once. And a part of me will always have a spot for him. But I just don't understand how he could do this to his family, his girlfriend (or wife?), his friends, all the people who cared about him. He touched so many of us. Didn't he see it? Did he not know how many people loved him and are hurting knowing he is gone?! I know this isn't going to have any affect on my daily life but none the less it hurts. He was once something very important to me. He was once my whole world. And it sucks to see someone you once cared for is gone. At such a young age he is gone. It isn't right. He was so young. He could've changed. Why didn't he? Why couldn't he? :(

Vou you will always be loved and missed by so many of us. It breaks my heart to see the way things had to end up. I know you are in a much better place and you are finally able to get away from all the shit. I hope you are at peace. I pray for your family. I pray that they have the strength to get through this awful time. I pray for your mom. No mother should EVER have to bury a child. R.I.P Naulivou Lauaki.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Better Me

Lately my world feels like it just keeps crashing down. It doesn't get better. You think it is about to make a turn around and things look like they have the possibility of going well for us... then life smacks me in the back of the head with a shovel, pulls the rug out from under our feet, and brings me to a dark scary place. Ok so that was a bit dramatic but seriously that is how it is starting to feel. I feel like I am drowning. That I can't catch my breath. I am lost in wonderland and can't find my way back. I keep asking myself "why does this keep happening","Why me?","What did I do that is so bad to deserve everything to keep going this way?", "Was a something evil in another life? Seriously?","Is there really a God? And why would he do this to me? Why won't he just help me? Give me a break?". I have had so many doubts about God and life in general. I started to go through day to day just going through the motions. Get up, go to work, come home, take care of the kids, go to bed and it starts all over. I never get a change. I never get anything for me. I don't get a second to think. I don't get a second to look at myself, my life, where I was heading. I just tried to block it all out with a bottle of wine at the end of the night and sleep. I lost myself...
I was in the shower one day literally having a breakdown. I am sick of this. I am sick of the way I feel. I hate how dark, empty, lost my soul feels. I know my life isn't that bad and it could be worse but I feel so unhappy with myself. I love my family, my husband and my kids more than life it's self but I think that they have been the only thing getting me through day to day. They are my life. But lately it just wasn't enough to keep me from crying. From taking out all my frustrations out on everyone else around me. I was going through everything in my life asking myself "What am I missing?" "Why am I not happy?" "What am I doing wrong?" After seriously thinking about this until my water ran cold and I hadn't even washed my hair or face at this point. I just let the water run down on me while I laid there having a totally breakdown it came to me... I need God. I need to open my eyes and see that God is what I don't have in my life. I have given up. I have lost all faith in God. In goodness. I have lost any spiritual belief. I lost my self. I have never been a very religious person. I was born and raise a Mormon but it has never been the religion I have wanted to follow. I am not against it. I just find it isn't what is in my heart. I believe in Jesus Christ and I believe in God. I want to practice Christianity. Just not in the LDS way. I have a friend who I truly idolize. She is an amazing person and has an amazing soul. She has this aura to her that is just so peaceful, happy, and good. That is what I want. I want to feel that way. She is helping me to become this person I want to be. She has sent me some books to read to help me better understand religion. She has challenged me to read the bible and really know it. And I want to attend some of her church sessions. It is hard for me to go because of work and honestly I don't want to go alone. But I am going to. I need this for myself. I need this for my family and their future and the kids. I believe it is good to bring your kids up in a home with faith. I want my kids to have faith. So I need to be the one to show them what it is and what life is all about. I am going to do this. I believe by opening my heart to God and religion I am going to open the door to many great things in my life. That my life is going to be better. That I as a person am going to feel happier and more at peace. This is what I need right now. I just know it. And I am going to do this.

Not only am I going to change in a more spiritual way. There are other things I do not like about the person I am. No one else sees this but me. And all I ever hear is that I am a good person and I don't need to be doing anything better. But I totally disagree! There are so many things I want to change starting with religion. I want to be a better wife. I want to smile more for him. I want to show him I really do love him more than he knows. I want to stop lashing out at him when I have had a bad day. I want to make love to him more. I know that is too much info for you guys but get over it. As I wife I know I don't do this enough. I am just so beat by the end of the day from work, kids, stress that it is the last thing I want to do. But this is something we both enjoy and need as a husband and wife. I feel horrible when I tell him "Not tonight, I am so tired." I want to show my husband that I appreciate him as a man and as my husband. I know some of you might not get it. No he hasn't had a job in a while but right now he is doing a lot for us. He is taking care of all 3 kids all day long every single day. That takes a lot to do. There is no way I could ever be the stay home parent. I really appreciate him for being the one to do this. To deal with all the crying all day everyday. It would be too much for me. I want to be a better parent. I want to read to Peyton every night. Help her learn new things everyday. Spend one on one time with every kid. I want to get caught up on all the kids medical checkups, shots, dental check ups and all that stuff. I want to stop swearing around them. Peyton is starting to say these words and I need to be a better example for her. I want to work on myself. I want to run 30 mins everyday and get into shape. I have let myself go and I hate it. And am so mad at myself for it. I want to start eating healthier and teach my kids to eat healthy. I want to stop drinking alcohol and soda pop. I want to go out with my friends and take time to enjoy spending time with them and get caught up on things. I feel like I don't spend enough time with them. And I hate it. I miss you guys. I feel like I only see you once a month if that. I want to get caught up on my finances. I want to get rid of all my debt. I want to stop all the harassing calls and get my crap together! I feel like debt is swallowing me whole. I hate it. It's a living nightmare. I just can't keep up. I got so far behind from not working and not having my husband working for so long and now I just can't get back on my feet. I want to get out of my dad's house and out on my own again. I want my own place where I don't have to deal with all of everyone else's issues. My dad is selling the house and I am totally stressed out everyday about how much longer I am going to be able to live here. I would love to get away from Utah honestly. I would love to move to a different start and just start a different life. But that is so far fetched now. But someday?

I know this is a lot. I know I have a lot to work on. I am going to take it just one day at a time. I just have a lot of things I feel like I have let go. And need to get back. I need to become a better person for myself. I need to become this person I have in my head that I want to be.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Back to Work

My first day back to work was Monday! It was SO nice to get back to work and doing what I love. Have I ever told you how much I love my job and the people there? I LOVE IT. It was such a wonderful day back. All the customers were so excited to see me which totally made me so much more excited about being there! It is just so nice to get out of the house, socialize with adults, and MAKE MONEY! I am really looking forward to getting some real paychecks again lol. I am going up for a promotion in about a month. It could be less. I am applying for the supervisor position again at my Starbucks! That would be so nice to get that again! Extra money and I kick ass at what I do so I know I would do so well with it.
I will be working a lot! So if you guys are ever in the mood for Starbucks (we have more than just coffee!!!) Come see me!! :)

I know... Kind of random. But I came across this pic and was laughing! That is the best pic I have ever seen! LOL! HELL YES!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Playing House

For the 2 years that I have been married I havent actually made many home cooked meals. Most of the time we do takeout, frozen dinners, or something that comes out of a box (hamburger helper) or can. I have always wanted to cook but never really tried and honestly I didnt think I could. My mom is such an awesome cook that I didn't think I could ever compare. So I never really attempted. Well after 2 years of eating the same things every night I had enough. No more Stouffers Lasagna, hamburger helper, canned chili, or mac and cheese!! I am going to cook!! So I have gotten some recipes from some friends and family and also from online and a I bought a book. I have made a couple meals so far but they have both turned out SOOOO good!! The first one I tried was a BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwiches(I used a round roast instead because that was all I had.) They were so freaking good. Steve loved them. He seriously ate them everday for 3 days until they were all gone. I have never seen him eat leftovers like that. And then tonight I made Porcupine Meatballs with potatoes, carrots and homemade biscuits! They were way good! I used my mom's recipe combined with a few other things from other recipes I found online. It turned out wonderful! We were all really pleased! Both of these meals were way easy and cheap to make. I cooked both of them in a pressure cooker (I love that thing).
There is nothing better than sitting down with your family to eat dinner and watching them all enjoy the meal you have put so much effort into make good for them. I love it. I am really enjoying this cooking REAL meals thing.

If any of you have any good recipes please send them my way!! :)

This is the BBQ Beef Sandwiches! MMMMMM!

This is the Porcupine Meatballs Dinner! VERY YUMMY!

Sunday, August 30, 2009


WE GOT ALL 3 KIDS TO SLEEP IN THEIR OWN BEDS, IN THEIR OWN ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is SO wonderful having a room and bed without kids. Just me and my husband!! It has made a huge difference in our relationship too which is weird but we both seem to be more affectionate towards eachother. Maybe it's just me lol. BUT I AM LOVING IT!!!!!

I highly suggest NEVER letting your kids sleep with you!! It was the biggest mistake I ever made.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

new obsession!

I went and saw The Time Traveler's Wife last week with the girls. It was seriously the most amazing movie! I fell in love! I want to see it hundred times or more! I cried like a baby of course. Blame it all on the hormones. But it was so sad and so wonderful. My new crush is definitly Henry (Eric Bana) he is such a sexy, sweet, irrisitable man! He totally stole my heart playing the character Henry in this movie. Goodbye Johnny, HELLO Eric! I loved the movie so much I decided to go get the book. I know I don't have much time between taking care of the twins, Peyton, housework and wife duties but I will make time to read it! I think everyone (even you guys, gay or straight) need to see it! I LOVE IT!!!!!! I'd love to go see it again if anyone wants someone to go with :) hehe

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Life Changes

My husband has decided that to better our future for our family he wants to join either the Air National Guard or the Air Force... It would definitly be a wondeful opportunity for us. It will provide him with free education and wondeful life lessons and it will totally give him a sexy body! Not that I dont already love his body but they will kick his ass and get him all muscley (not a word... i know) He wants to go into the air traffic control as training. Which will be moving us to either oregon, mississippi, massachusettes or new orleans. I'm really not too thrilled on the ideas of having to leave my home (utah) for 2 years or more. It could even be forever for all I know. It scared the hell out of me to not have my friends and family close by. I'd really like to be somewhere closer to Utah. More of a driveable distance but I don't think that will be happening. But we don't even know if he is getting in. Once again a lovely background check could fuck us over like it always does. Which in this case would seriously be horrible because this is such a big opportunity for Steve to make something of himself and to help support this family. I would hate for his little stupid mistakes to take this away from him.
I don't know what is going to happen right now. I don't know where I am going to be in the next year or so. My dad is selling his house which pretty much leaves me out in the dust. So I guess we will see what happens next.
Life is so confusing. Can't it just be easy for once?